As Rocki and Lacey have recently learned (the hard way), aging is not for the weak. And everybody has to do it. It turns out that once you cross the majestic threshold of 35, your body trades in its warranty and immediately begins filing complaints with HR. Suddenly, every normal human movement becomes an Olympic event. Stretching? Risky. Turning too fast? Dangerous. Bending over to pick up something you dropped? Absolutely not—call for backup.
We used to get injuries from doing exciting, athletic things like running, jumping, and pretending we were still good at soccer. Now we get injured from existing. We’ve officially entered the era of “I threw out my back sneezing” and “My neck hasn’t been the same since I slept weird three Tuesdays ago.”
At this point, we’re basically held together with Icy Hot, sarcasm, and whatever questionable life choices we made in our twenties.
Do YOU have any tips for handling these extremely embarrassing adult-onset pulled muscles? Because honestly, we’re desperate. Our current treatment strategy is the highly scientific R.I.C.E. method—Rest, Ice, Compression, and Elevation—also known as “sit down and don’t move until further notice.” It works… eventually… maybe… if the moon is right.
But we’re hunting for something quicker, stronger, and ideally in a refillable travel size.
Ibuprofen? Probably.
A strong beverage? Seems promising.
A full-body bubble wrap suit? Honestly feels like the next logical step.
If you have hacks, remedies, potions, spells, or knowledge handed down from your ancestors, please share. We’re trying to stay youthful, or at least functional enough to walk across a room without sounding like a bowl of Rice Krispies.
In the meantime, listen below to Rocki’s most recent injury story. Trust us—you’ll laugh at his pain just like Lacey did, because that’s what friends are for.
